forming feelings and thoughts into songs...

mood: at ease.
music: rolling stones- forty licks (disc 2)

so over the last couple of days ive been formulating a mix cd/tape... most likely i'll make it into a cd if my computer cooperates.

here's what i have in mind so far.. not in any order yet... its all boy "rock" cuz thats what ive been into listening to lately...

get up kids: valentine
jimmy eat world: cautioners and kill (yes two songs!)
foo fighters: walking after you
bloc party: modern love
her space holiday: from south carolina
coldplay: sparks
rollings stones: beast of burden
shins: gone for good

and if i actually had a copy of the song, u2: city of blinding lights. yes. i would actually put a u2 song on a mix cd. the world is coming to an end.

i cant help but feel those sad-romantic songs... you know me.
not sure what else. i have to further think about this. :) it will be an awesome mix cd though.

i think i want to go home and watch almost famous after work, before heading over to tyler (nerd house's) bbq. im taking all the beer i have left at my place... tho i dont plan on drinking. alcohol and dizzy-bladder meds dont mix. plus im hooking them up with boca burgers i bought. im silly when i go grocery shopping hungry and buy a lot of food... im only one person. i can't possibly eat that much in a couple weeks. oh well.

who's the one who needs to prove....

mood: cranky & in need of cheering up.
music: none. forgot to bring anything in to work.

my mind can only form small thoughts at the moment. its on overload.
---------------
i want to see the bad news bears, asap.

i dont know what im doing from now til sunday. there's a possibility of going to two bbq's. not much else.

i feel bloated from drinking so much water.

im tired of mood swings.

im tired of being so understanding all the time, and not feeling like its reciprocated. it makes me want to give up.

i get to go home in an hour.

i plan to finally eat something. probably a sandwich and some fruit, or maybe carrots. or both.

i also plan on watching gilmore girls.

perhaps i will go to the free show tonite at coffee society in cupertino.

on the other hand, i do have two netflix coming today, so maybe i can watch one of those and dream that someone is petting my head and bringing me cranberry juice. ;P

we'll see.

i think i will visit my sister next weekend.

i start school in 3.5 weeks.

i hope armando calls me tonite so we can hang out sometime this weekend. ive missed that guy. i met him when we worked over at century berryessa, aka: hell. he's awesome.

i absolutely cannot stand waiting. it makes my stomach hurt. doesnt matter what it is.

you make me wanna la-la.

mood: eager & chipper
music: ashlee simpson- autobiography (don't hate!)

yay. happy its already wednesday. our big state progress report for work is due by friday, hopefully things won't get too stressful at work. my part is pretty much done, so shouldnt be so bad.

didn't bowl that great last night. i blame the fact that earlier in the day i had to help move a big queen bed to an upstairs apartment and was tired from that. plus, i had a casualty on my right hand, aka: my bowling hand. i have internal bleeding (the bed frame pinched me!!!!!!!!!!! boo. stupid bed frames). so anyway, first game i bowled a 95, the second game i bowled a 122. not as good as last week. although.. props to homestead lanes for providing me with a yummy peanut butter and jelly sandwich that only cost me 92 cents! thats awesome!

i went home after and watched the real world austin. this show hasnt been good since the new orleans cast, but somehow each season i get sucked in, even when i start to hate it. but this one in particular has me interested only because i wanna see the south by southwest episodes, plus austin is really rad. the reason im talking about this is because they keep showing this sign for heart-shaped pizza, which i think is amazing. i want a heart-shaped pizza. heart-shaped any food, besides candy that was pre-made that way, is awesome. i am obsessed with heart-shaped things, patterns, etc right now.
(<-----super awesome!!!!)
all the fruit i bought is gone. :( i finished off the last of my blackberries when i got home yesterday. they were pretty decent. too expensive though. need to go grocery shopping today. im looking forward to spending a mellow end of the work day at home. i need to do a lot of cleaning and some more unpacking (mostly getting rid of crap i dont really need). im going to try and stop eating out at places so much. i need to save some money so i can pay off my 6,000+ credit card debt. damnit! thus.. im also trying to get my finances in order. i remember when i first moved out of my parents house, three months after my 18th birthday, i would pay every bill as soon as it came. now i wait til stuff gets turned off, or nearly turned off. no more of that. at least my truck is almost paid off. only about 4-5 months left. woohoo. that will be a nice little pocket of money to put towards savings.

alright. doctors appointment shortly. i dont think ive fully recovered, since i had to go to the bathroom like ten times this morning. i want a magic pill to make it go away. fuck tom cruise and scientology. give me meds!

i love ashlee.

41 random fess-ups and observations.

1. i now love and am obsessed with the u2 song, "city of blinding lights." (still hurts to listen to it though)
2. i sometimes make and eat minute rice.
3. i think im actually looking forward to starting school.
4. i've been listening to howard stern almost daily.
5. i have a soft spot for the kelly clarkston song, "since you've been gone".
6. i've decided to concentrate on making myself happy more than other people.
7. i really want a pet.
8. i dont miss being a kscu music director.
9. i'm debating quitting kscu all-together.
10. i had a dream over the weekend that i was doing cocaine. (i'm not)
11. i have recently decided i really like blueberries. (thanks renee)
12. i want to rearrange my apartment.
13. i'm letting my hair grow out.
14. i'm cutting back on my sugar intake and eating more fruits & veggies.
15. i'm depressed about a most-likely death on six feet under.
16. i cried a lot at the end of harry potter and the half-blood prince.
17. i still need to buy gilmore girls season three on dvd. :(
18. i finally watched all of the components of the latest r. kelly masterpiece and i think its one of the funniest things i've ever seen in my life.
19. i like downtown vegas more than i like the strip.
20. i've been enjoying reading more than i have going out to bars lately (i'm getting old).
21. i really love bowling.
22. my truck hasn't been washed in almost a year.
23. i'm going to buy a fan this weekend for my room.
24. i want to buy a waffle-iron.
25. i really, really miss living in san francisco. i especially miss my old apartment.
26. i want to go see the arcade fire at the warfield, but don't know if anyone else is going.
27. i'm annoyed at the fact that tbs stopped showing ed and replaced it with becker. boo.
28. london is a scary place right now. for a country whose police don't carry guns, the whole "shoot them in the head" thing is a little... what? do they have zombies over there? s-c-a-r-y.
29. i want to see wedding crashers again. and batman. and star wars.
30. i have a collection of beer bottle caps, labels, etc. im trying to try as many different kinds of beers as possible.
31. korean, indian and mexican food are my three favorite genres of food.
32. i've really been into "boy" rock n roll lately.
33. i want to go to reno again.
34. netflixing tv shows is super awesome.
35. i think sushi is overrated. though i like some of them... but don't like to eat it that often.
36. i have no idea what kind of career i want to have anymore. i have a lot of thinking/experiencing to do.
37. i want to hit up old thrift stores (st. vincent depaul, goodwill, savers, etc) for old furniture.
38. i want to start borrowing books from libraries more often.
39. i still need to get a copy of bon voyage charlie brown to prove that snoopy did make a naughty hand-gesture.
40. i need to buy some new bras.
41. i'm happy.

bladder infections blow.

current mood: happy-calm, but physically ill.
music: none. the sounds of the keyboard.

im back from vegas. as you might have guessed from the subject head, i got a bladder infection. it first occured on friday... yes,... IN VEGAS. i was so completely bummed out (i'll post a vegas blog up on myspace as soon as i can). the bladder infection is still in effect. i havent had one since i was very small... they are sooooooo uncomfortable. today it feels really minimized like it might be going away, but it could also be all the drugs im taking. i think i'll stop taking them today and see if it reappears, then... back to taking the drugs. plus, doctors appointment tomorrow if need-be.

so bummy as it was that my only summer vacation was cloudead by an infected bladder... i am actually pretty happy to be back home. the weather is AWFUL in vegas. crazy hot. plus i had the worst diet over there. i ate so much bad food that all ive been eating since i got back is fruits and veggies and tofu and homecooked meals (by my mommy, not me). i am still pretty sad about the vegas trip (though i did still have fun)... it would be nice to take a short little mellow trip somewhere before the summer ends. but i guess there's not much time left... school starts in less than a month for me.

i went to the little fruit stand by my house on winchester (near 85). that place is very expensive. but i bought a couple of things any way: blueberries, blackberries and nectarines. all are very yummy. especially the blueberries which i have already finished off. i plan on hitting up my favorite little street-corner guy, over by silver creek high school for some cheap strawberries and cherries though. yum-yum.

going bowling tonite. pinnettes representin'!

my heart is yours... its you that i hold on to...

awwww. coldplay. i love them. i dont care how many people mock chris, and his campaigns (making trade fair is a good cause, btw!), and his spazzy dancing, his sappiness, his supposed 'soul-less-ness', him having a daughter named apple (ok. that you can definitely mock)... but i still love them. and its exactly thirty days until i see them. so =P

today has been a good day so far. its pretty nice and beautiful outside, not too hot. hard to be anything but cheerful on a day like this. later on i think i'll take a walk over to san jose city college to chill on their grass and read more about sundance, miramax and the weinsteins. good stuff. they are interesting people, and by that i mean completely nuts. hopefully while im there no one will mistake me for a homeless person and try to offer me a job. or perhaps they will and i'll take them up on it.

it hit me today that i only have one more month of freedom. i start school on august 23rd. be prepared to not see me at all until december from that moment. im not kidding. im taking five classes and i need to bring up my grade point average. plus im going to be working any free time i have in between classes, and probably later hours. coldplay will be my last really fun summer thing before i have to settle down.

whats up for the rest of the summer then? only one month left... here's whats going on... and what i want to do: go to vegas (leave tomorrow), camping (august 8-10), coldplay (august 19), visit my sister (any free weekend?), dads bday (august 13), see some shows (pernice bros: july 30, the ponys: august 12, new pornographers: august 24), hang out with friends, keep going bowling every tuesday (our team is called the pinettes--and watch out teammates cuz i start intermediate bowling at school in august!), read as many books for pleasure as possible, make my house feel more homey & less like an in-limbo place im just staying at, keep up with running/walking daily, spend full days in san francisco & berkeley, go to a giants game (ive already been to half of an a's game), and lastly, make a trip to the achor steam brewery. RICH... WHEN ARE WE GOING???? i have mondays off! :)

ive decided that i think harry potter book six is my fourth favorite of all of them. i rate them in the following order from most favorite to the lesser favorite: 4, 5, 3, 6, 1, 2. the fourth book has always had a special place with me, same as three, though i think five is still better. six is still really good, but im not sure how it'll sit with me over time.

bad news bears comes out on friday! i have to wait until sometime next week to see it though, since i'll be out of town. plus theres one person in particular that i need to see it with. im so excited for this movie. i have a big crush on billy bob thorton and i also love the original movie. plus from the creators of bad santa and school of rock... it can't be all that bad.

im going shopping after work to valley fair for the third day in a row. day one was for me, spent most of my gift cards, day two was jocelyn's fault. also her fault that i bought a sweater. today is berenices fault, but im not buying anything today, so i should be okay.

back to progress report for work............. i wish they were quarterly and not just twice a year! too much information to remember and not enough documentation!

peace out.

listening to: coldplay- parachutes (so many favorites on this album, so many.)

moving forward with happy things...

i have decided to stop letting things get to me and dwelling on them to the point of being depressed because i know it wont bother me a day or two from that point. i want things to progress for me and the only way that can happen is to be pro-active, and try to trust people. i know trust can't be forced, but i know i need to just let things bounce off me and not react to them. just let them go and disregard whatever bad feelings i may have about them. they are not what matters. actions are what matters. really. words without action are just empty.

so that is my new philosophy, or way of dealing with conflicts that may come up. i am not saying im going to become some repressed little girl, that i will just hold everything in. cuz come on... thats not who i am. :) the petty things though... those pesky little things that get to you, but rarely mean anything in the long-run... those types of feelings can just fuck off. i know what i want... and i know it will make me happy... and i know its worth it. (most of you probably have no idea what im talking about... but the person its meant for, if ya still read my rants, knows what its about... so hmpfff).

i feel pretty happy today. i feel like its gonna be a good day.

i leave for vegas in two days! we finally have everything booked! we are staying at circus circus one night (saturday). that should be fun. i plan on staying indoors as much as possible. i HATE HATE HATE that its going to be into the 110's over there. thats scorching hot. ugh. i know that vegas is the place to get drunk and go hog-wild, but im sticking to my new mellow to non-drinking nicole. i have very strong personal reasons for me cutting WAY back on drinking, and this vegas trip is going to be the ultimate test--especially since its a girls trip... which generally involves lots of partying. we shall see, but i have faith in myself, even if no one else does. so if you notice me going out less to bars... err and especially popscene (cuz i cant STAND that place unless im drunk)... its not that im avoiding people, its more of a way to avoid drinking. though... im down to go out and have a beer or two at a bar once in awhile. i just need for it not to be a routine thing. again... MODERATION.

its bowling night tonight. i finally rejoin my "team". they threatened to kick me off the team if i didnt show up tonite, and said they would make it an all-lesbian team. so i better show up. besides, can't beat 2 dollar bowling. i dont know if i even have two dollars, but hopefully berenice can loan it to me. im pathetic. last night i ate rice and popcorn (not together) for dinner. i seriously was scrounging around my kitchen looking for ANYTHING to eat. i have zero dollars until thursday.

oh. and i finished harry potter. :\

now playing: jimmy eat world- clarity (this cd makes me want to make-out!)

forget it.

i erased my depression definition cuz it was depressing me. i think i have a chemical imbalance. really. either that, or its a combination of making stupid decisions.

everyone is going to comic con this weekend. NERDS. i'll be too busy reading harry potter.

vegas is next weekend. guess we should book a hotel, and a car. the group is down to five. should be fun. hot as hell, but fun.

i need a vacation.

work progress reports hurt my head. or is that just the coffee?

thanks to tyler for the wonderfalls dvd and the caramal cappachino shake. mmmm.

now listening: keane- hopes and fears. =( (at least i stopped depressing myself by listening to jimmy eat world!)

we had pleasure.

today was fairly productive. i ran a staff meeting. fun. my co-worker (not lorna) bought me a mango cake for my birthday and they all sang for me. that was nice. i also got my kscu access card reactivated, and verified that it worked. it did. i preordered the harry potter book, finally. ate some thai food. mmm thai-iced teas on a hot day like this make me happy. i paid my cable bill so i can watch some tv when i get home. i looked for hotels for vegas. found that most of the cheap ones i'd prefer to book are full, and found some other expensive rooms for $150. and up. arg. i got my work badge replaced after going to a billion places back and forth. man. its really hot out there.

after work im gonna go and check out that movie, "you me & everyone else" at santana row. i need to get out of this heat. ugh. i hate hot weather. afterwards i might hang out for a short while w/ shawn... get some ice cream or something. get my bday gift. =)

i feel tired. i really need to go home and clean and do laundry. i plan on going home early enough to take care of this. i feel like being a hermit... im tired of organizing stuff. i also have a free staff pass for built to spill tonite, and ive never seen them, and really should go, but im so lazy! and plus i have no one to go with.

i need to buy a fan for my bedroom. its too hot to sleep lately!!! might be due for a target visit. speaking of... i gotta go shopping and spend all my gift cards i received from my birthday! thank you thank you to everyone for my gifts: mom&dad (coldplay!), rach (the baby!), eid (nordies card), teesh (urb. card), jeff (amc/streetlight), rich (lemony snicket), robin (candles), bridget (card & $5 to buy a drink!), erika for the card and everyone else who bought me a drink, and everyone else who is still going to give me a gift (that have verbally told me!) =)

congrats to the kscu softball team for finishing up a decent season. milestones better than last season. it was fun.

okay. feeling a little off today. probably the weather. almost time for popcorn & a movie.

now playing: foreign born- in the remote woods (startime international)

hurray for checking my email.

i was going through a bunch of emails, and i discovered this gem of news:

Wednesday - August 24th 7:00pm
The New Pornographers
Amoeba is so excited to present the New Pornographers, live in support of their brand new album, Twin Cinema, out August 23rd on Matador Records.

"Brains-across-the-dashboard power pop... a group experiment gone right — rock where the beat and ideas come faster than you would expect." - Spin

Do not miss this supergroup of pop perfectionists, starring Neko Case, Dan Bejar, John Collins, Kurt Dahle, Todd Fancey, Carl Newman & Blaine Thurier.

that fucking rules! i will soooooooooo be there! alan... you will sooooo be there too right? neko, up close and personal????? haha.

now playing: helios- unomia (merck)

home sweet home.

last night i finally spent a night in my own bed. after house-sitting for my parents thursday through sunday, then going down to santa maria, it was way over due for a nice mellow night at my own house.

its official. im old & im an aunt!!! the baby was born on my 24th birthday, lil' dylan michael beard stole my birthday! the little cutie-brat! hes the most completely adorable baby!! hes pretty well-behaved too, not a whole lot of crying, just mostly when he's doing a poopie, then he looks super happy after. such a boy. i got to spend 24 hours with him, and i cant wait to see him more as he grows up. my sister is healthy and happy and it still doesnt feel like she's a mommy. i promise i'll post pictures soon or post them on my myspace. so be on the lookout!

my birthday was fun! had too many drinks at the cinnebar, and was even triple-fisting it at one point. perhaps thats why the last thing i remember was leaving my own birthday. ahaha. well it IS my birthday--so i can do as i please. i made it til 1 a.m. though! thanks to everyone who came out and celebrated with me! bought me beers! cards! gifts! etc! love ya guys.

after last weeks festivities (mine & letis bday), i need to scale back the drinking. blacking out is not good. so expect me to be cutting down (i said CUTTING down, not stopping). i have to learn the art of MODERATION.

today entails...
*working late. boo.
*paying cable so it can be turned back on.
*turning in reviewed cds to please eidelyn and get units! =)
*book hotel for vegas, reserve rental van. (how did i get put in charge?)
*going to last kscu softball game. (unless a miracle happens and they make playoffs)
*going out after for food/beer (in MODERATION, ok!)

i am in a very happy mood! yay!

now listening to: skeletons and the girl-faced boys- git (ghostly international)

not having money blows!!!

so my bank account is -$173.67. this sucks! i was hoping my rent check wouldnt go through until tomorrow, when my check for work gets deposited. no such luck! now i have to pay that stupid 36 dollar fee for having a negative account!!!!!!!!!! BOOOOOOOO it all to hell. happy birthday to my broke ass!

its my friend leticia's birthday tonite, and i think we are all going to the blue monkey. i also want to check out the *new* dance nite at the blank. basically still 80s new wave mixed w/ some indie stuff. theyve been starting to integrate the two for awhile now anyway... slippin' in the white stripes, ladytron and the rapture week after week.
(the love bugs) ha. im so clever!
yesterday i treated myself to a movie over at the campbell plaza. i saw herbie fully loaded. haha. im such a dork. i thought it was an okay, cute little movie. predicatable and all that, and a bit trying on my patience but not all that bad. i got to use up my first birthday gift: a coupon i got from cinelux theaters for a free medium popcorn. plus i got to load on the bbq/white cheddar seasoning--my favorite combo.

tomorrow is my birthday. i took the day off work so i can be pampered and sleep in. :) i like being pampered. looking forward to the cinnebar, cheap drinks!! im saving everyone money cuz you all are gonna be buyin my broke ass drinks! and they have jager on tap!!!! sweetness.

not sure whats in store for the rest of the weekend. i know there's a birthday bbq happening saturday for us cancer birthdays (thanks tish!), and i might, MIGHT go to the diverse/oh no show in san francisco. we'll see. im actually really hoping my sister has her baby so i can go veg out over at my parents house.

today is a maggiano's lunch. mmm mmm mmmmmmmmm. havent eaten there forever and im starving!

birthday wish list retraction...

so i have to retract two items i had listed earlier from my birthday wishlist.

item #1: coldplay tickets. (i think my parents are getting them for me. :)
item #2: wonderfalls dvd. YEAH!

so dont buy me these!!!! ahaha. in case you were planning to or something.

tv watching time. i feel ill. need to rest up so im not sick on my birthday weekend. or as jeff calls it nicolekkah.

peace out.

nic

the space in which we travel in...

this is the funniest thing ive read so far today.
..........................
its pop tarts for breakfast this morning. i was feeling nauseous, so decided i should try to eat something. then i remembered that last week when i went to get some pop tarts from the vending machine, they got stuck. i attempted to hit the machine but it wouldnt budge, so i just bought another package and saved one for now.

i just discovered half our staff arent working today. this makes me happy.
............................
my fourth of july was pretty nice. saw some fireworks. got to actually see rick's place, and hang out with him, teshia, joce and some more of their friends. i like hanging out with them, they drink really good wine. mmm.

my sister is still baby-less. its the waiting game at this point. once she goes into labor, im left to house and dog sit for my parents. im actually looking forward to it. its away from everyone, its quiet, tons of food stocked!, plus.... freakin' ON DEMAND!!!!!!!!!! im not going to want to leave the house, so its good i dont get cell phone reception, no one can bother me! :)

then there's my birthday. arg. no big group birthday dinner this year just bar visits. im thinking of starting at gordon biercsh, then going to the cinnebar and whatever happens from there, happens. im not really into planning or having some big-to-do, i just want to hang out with people and have complete control of the jukebox at the cinnebar. that would be rad.

birthday wishlist: gilmore girls season 3, movie theater passes (my therapy), lemony snicket books (10, 11), a new job, a new windshield,....... i dunno. whatever you are going to give me is fine. haha.
................................
plans for the rest of the day: mail some stuff i should have mailed a week or so ago, eat korean food for lunch (hopefully!), drop mail off at kscu, go to dinner w/ jocelyn (right??), attend general staff meeting, then go bowling (hopefully i wasnt kicked off the team for not attending last week).

im already sleepy. whats wrong with me? i am sleeping way too much lately.

now playing: various artists- xlr8r incite 24

amazingly productive... depending on how you look at life..

today's accomplishments (as in... my lazy saturday)
* drove berenice home 'round 11 a.m.
* ate two corndogs.
* managed to not get out of my pj's until 7:30p.m.-ish. half an hour before lulu came by to go to kenny's party. i consider this my major accomplishment of the day.
* watched the rest of the wonderfalls dvds. this activity probably totaled about eight hours. this show is really really good. i find a lot of similar qualities in common with the main character. mostly the being moody and indecisive.
* washed two loads of laundry. arent clean sheets the best?
* watched bits of the live 8 coverage on mtv/vh1. spent a lot of that time trying to avoid seeing u2, thus avoiding the sharp shooting pains in my heart that i now associate with them. during my time viewing i would like to make the following observations: mtv/vh1 vj's have NO journalistic skills WHATSOEVER, who EVER gave maroon 5 permission to cover neil young should be shot, pete townsend can really rock the jean jacket, beyonce is a spaz onstage but unfortunately did not fall during *destiny's child's* performance, will smith still fucking sucks and could be easily replaced by anyone, ummm whatever. i have nothing more to say.
* ate a whole thing of sliced canned peaches.
* avoided worrying about a number of things that i am worrying about now, at this moment.
* spoke with my mom for twenty minutes. this reminded me that i am supposed to watch their dog/house once my sister has the baby. i hope my sister has it soon so that i can mooch of my parents food next week since i wont have money to eat. this isnt ghetto, my mom called me to see what kinda food i wanted to be stocked up for me.
* eventually i left the house and went to kennys birthday party. ate a lot of really good veggie/vegan food. hung out with people for a bit. watched lulu act loopy, and did my best to avoid kscu business related chatting for fear of getting into a major argument. oh, and saw a very disturbing dance move from someone i would never want to see dance. or really, dont like to see period. (the person)

today's revelations
* i need to stop drinking so much. i know that im very emotionally unstable, and the drinking makes it worse. note to self: become the designated driver more often, and stick with beer.
* i am contemplating more about the possibility of moving away (seattle/so-cal) after i graduate.
* i dont know what the hell im doing for fourth of july, or my birthday. this doesnt bother me in the least bit.
* i avoid answering my phone a lot more these days.
* becoming a hermit seems very likely.

tomorrow's plans
* start running again. exercising triggers happy mood changing feelings, and i could use that.
* pay my rent. also- deposit pennies so that this becomes possible.
* call laura and let her know that my drunk message i left her did not say that my sister had her baby and that im now an auntie.
* avoid more phone calls.
* watch entourage and six feet under (it moves back to sundays THIS week right?)
* possibly watch a movie earlier in the day. solo-movie watching is my therapy.
* train new mds at kscu. blah. not a high motivation on the list.