feeling lethargic.

so ive been down at kscu for two hours now and the only things ive done is spend the time chatting on aim and spend time on myspace. i discovered a couple new folks that i didnt know were on it. and the fact of the matter is, i dont really care for these people, so why do i find it necessary to look at their myspace page and find out what they've been up to? there's a trigger in my mind that is referred to as curiosity i suppose. oh well. i like reading peoples blogs too. i like reading about people's lives. i guess this is the world that we live in now so i have just happily accepted it.

any way, so i actually have a ton of shit i should be doing. being as i was sick all week, there's a bunch of kscu shit that i should be catching up on.. such as listening to the stacks of music that have come in. and now that i think about it, i havent been listening to anything since i got down here. i am holed up in the office that hardly any one has a key to, cuz im not really feeling like chattin w/ current dj thats on the air cuz she has a band and its all just too messy for me. plus im feeling pretty nauseous... though i think my benadryl finally kicked in so i am in a less cranky mood.

now i just have to figure out what im going to do for the rest of my evening.

oscars tomorrow. probably gonna be another boring awards show. though i will happily spend my time watching it and hopefully my gums will be less sore so that i can enjoy eating.

byeeeeeeee.

i hate everyone.

yes. its true. everyone. especially healthy people. and especially doctors. i had an allergic reaction to the medicine that was prescribed to me. what a joke. my gums and tongue are all swollen. i can barely eat. ive been bed-ridden the last couple days. blah. all will be well when i can brush my teeth w/o feeling extreme pain and when i can eat crunchy foods again w/o extreme pain.

pissed off.

so i signed up for this online sms-text-online thing. WHAT A FUCKING ANNOYING piece of shit. my friend leticia sent it to me, and she doesnt have text messaging, or at least she didnt before. so i thought this was her way of being able to text, so i signed up. stupid me for not reading what the hell it was. i came into work this morning and was going through my work emails and i saw this invite for me to join my own network. what the heck!? then i checked my personal yahoo account and saw the same invite. i though.. omg, what the heck did it go into my yahoo address book and send it out to EVERYONE? yup. exactly what it did. I AM SO ANNOYED! so i canceled my account asap and wrote a nasty comment and wrote leticia to say sorry but i am totally pissed off at this stupid online texting thing or whatever it really is. ugh. so sorry if you got one of those things and are like.. what the heck?? i am sure it probably went out to all the djs at kscu. AHAHAHAHAHA. any way don't sign up for this!!! stupid stupid stupid.

i am going to the doctors today. yay. i need antibiotics.. with codiene PLEASE!!!!!!!!!!

last night i just relaxed and cleaned and watched the OC. i really love this show. :) last season was so bad that it was always really funny and great to watch.. but this season is actually really good. even my dad got into it. haha.

the new mars volta record should have arrived to kscu by today and i cannot wait to go down there and pick it up. i am soooooo excited to hear this record. you have no idea.

i will leave you with 10 random observations/opinions:
1) the singer from louis xiv sounds like craig finn from lifter puller.
2) why do they put the poptarts high up in the vending machine.. when they fall down they always crumble!
3) red wine is yummy.
4) skinny coke whores are in.
5) coffee in the morning is wonderful.. and apparently good for your liver!
6) clive owen is very sexy.
7) the movies coming out right now are very very shitty.
8) wearing dresses/skirts when its rainy is better than wearing jeans. (boo to wet jeans)
9) fridays are lovely.
10) so are sundays.

now playing: ida- heart like a river (polyvinyl)

a february hibernation

every now and again i tire of going out, partying, planning things... i just get into a mode where i wanna mellow out. stay at home. watch movies. read books. listen to music. snuggle in bed. hibernate so-to-speak. i cant even remember the last show i went to. arcade fire? idiot pilot? i dont remember! its so long ago. this is where avi might call me up to have some adventure and i would tell him ..."sorry avi but im just going to be boring." he understands.

i think i am in this state now. part of it is probably my declining health (which i have a doctors appt. for friday to hopefully remedy)... and another part of it is the rain and winter weather. and mostly i am just happy doing it. some of my friends think im being distant or just lame or whatever, but i dont really care. if they know me, they know not to take it personal. although, i feel like part of my liking to be this way is more long-term. things are changing for me and im becoming more settled into my life and who i am. and im not at all saying that im going to stop drinking or going out and having weird adventures, im just saying that im not afraid of feeling more settled in, and im not afraid of giving up things in order to satisfy other aspects of my life. and i like having this feeling.

what am i talking about? you may be confused but it all makes sense to me. :)

on to something else... i might be ready to already move out of san francisco. its been six months. i have finally admitted it to myself that i am too exhausted to live there and keep commuting (go ahead all you haters and say you told me so or whatever). either way, i am happy enough having lived there for as long as i did. i had many, many, many great memories there already, so it will always have a special place in my heart. plus i plan on going back to live there as soon as i can get a job up there. i thought i would be able to spend more time trying to find a job, but i dont really see that realisticly happening any time soon. so i have a new plan. moving mid-way. as depressed as i will be to have to leave my place in the city that i feel so at home at... i would be even more depressed to have to move back to san jose. there's just something that depresses me about it. instead, im going to move mid-way. either mt. view or sunnyvale. most likely mt. view.
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wondercon is happening this weekend. im going. are you? i've never been, so this year its my time. plus kevin smith is going to be there. :)
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and dont forget about noise pop either. the lineup is pretty great this year. i know i will at least be at the teddie leo show. ive NEVER missed him when he's come, and i know thats sad but i ADORE him.
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and from now on (im not sure if i have before), but i will NOT be discussing anything negative about my job. i am pretty paranoid after reading about how that chick got fired for badmouthing her job and boss on her personal blog. that's insane. doesnt that violate her rights? silly. i think im gonna have to go and look back and edit anything that might get me fired. :)
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i just saw this: STARS SHOW!!!! :) !!!!
Saturday March 26, 2005 @ BIMBOS!!! sweet. oh and i still have to get my kings of convenience ticket! i will do that right now. i cant believe though that its twenty fucking dollars. that seems like a lot to me.

listening and swooning over romanticly: stars- set yourself on fire (ooooh)

plus.

just a random thought:

kudos to blogs that are about happiness instead of being emo. kudos to people who spend time on the people that make them happy rather than the one's that make them sad.

hellzyes. i am profound. and loopy from too much coffee.

strike anywhere & coffee

the perfect pick me up cuz im freakin tired. gosh darnit. i couldnt stop coughing last nite. i know its silly that im working in the health field but i hate going to the doctor. actually.. i dont hate the actual experience, the real reason im lazy about it, is cuz i need a new doctor. and that takes work. but alas.. thats what im doing right now. i think i have the black lung disease. ewww.

happy belated valentines day. mine was loverly. (been reading too much lemony snicket) but thats all im going to say. oh and i love valentines cookies. yummy.

i saw an amazing tv show the other day. and by amazing.. i mean completely retarded and unbelievable. i watched that sweet sixteen show on mtv. i was totally into it and appalled and feeling so many things at once. I HAVE NEVER SEEN SUCH SPOILED BRATS IN ALL OF MY LIFE. my jaw was dropping. first the girl tells her dad (i think her parents are divorced) that if he doesnt buy her the SUV she wants that she will hate him for the rest of her life. then a day later this girl snuck out of the house to go to santa barbara because her mom told her she was not allowed to. then when her mom finds out, she calls and has her credit cards shut off... so the girl calls up her daddy and whines about it and cries and bitches. this was after the mom had gotten the last four credit card readings at it totaled around 4,000 dollars! WTF! so this is all happening a day or two before the girls 16th birthday... which btw--her party is totaling around 200,000 dollars!!!!!!!!@#$%@#%!!@!!! then she gets back and her parents take her out for her birthday dinner and tell her she is not getting her car. she freakin' breaks down and cries hysterically and tells them that they ruined her birthday. then on her birthday her dad freakin brings her downstairs and he bought her the goddamned fucking car! WHAT A JOKE. i could not believe this shit. when i was 15/16 all i was doing was getting drunk and smoking weed. i was still taking the bus everywhere. any how... that show is really retardedly entrancing to watch. be careful.

any way. i gotta go call and make a doctors appointment now. more later...

now playing: strike anywhere- to live in discontent

love + basketball... hair dying.

i know its late and im exhausted... but i always get home on the weekends and feel restless and awake. i feel kinda blah. my throat hurts real bad. does any one know if that airborne stuff really works? people swear by it and howard stern was goin' on and on about it last week. someone let me know, cuz most of that stuff doesnt work on me.

plus i havent really been getting any of the stuff i need to get done, done. which sucks. oh well. it's a catch 22. i need to stay up and get stuff done, and i also need to get some rest cuz i feel shitty.

so i came home and felt in the mood to watch "love and basketball". i absolutely ADORE this movie. it's so romantic. i especially love the dance scene when they are playing the roger (and zapp) song "i wanna be your man". it's all about zapp and fucking cal skate. i remember slow-skates with little 12 year old boys to that song or "computer love". those were the days. any way, back to the movie... \its all about friendship, and love, and vulnerability, and timing. i want a hug. :)

i saw ray. uhhhh i think its good. not great. but decent. i dont really like the whole flashbacks to childhood thing (especially the ending sequence). i thought jamie foxx was good, but i dont think he should win the oscar. i am still bummed that paul giamatti didnt get a nomination. i think he should have been nominated over clint eastwood.

ok. im going to go and dye my hair back to chocolate cherry. winter is out. no more black.

currently watching: love and basketball (awwww)

why i like blippy electronic music: by nicole coxe

in good old-fashioned list form. many of these can apply to instrumental music in general.. though not all blippy-electronic is vocal-free. either way. i love my blips, noodles and bleeps. im not talking super hard-hitting noise-core stuff.. i mean the more pretty, post-rockish electronic stuff. the album leaf. anything on merck records. stuff off ninja tune. her space holiday. four tet. mush records. cinematic orchestra. warp records. the list goes on and on... so here's some reasons why i dig it.

1. honestly.. i like that its just basically a studio project. no need to tour... or really no need to go and see this performed. (though i have... some w/ live bands, which is pretty nice) but generally speaking, its not a big production. no need for a lot of show and tell.
2. its made by nerds on their computers.
3. i enjoy the break from agenda-pushing lyrics. i like both, but sometimes i just need to clear my head. (outside of yoga, where we spend a lot of the time meditating. :)
4. i feel less nervous/stressed while im at work (or at home, or in general)... when i got on the latest from merck. hellzzzyes.
5. makes for nice remixes of songs... blip-it-up..
6. it's the backdrop of her space holiday. and i love all that is her space holiday.
7. it's prrrrrrrrrty. seriously. a lot of the stuff i like feels romantic to me. (dude.. the album leaf was heavily featured in last nite's valentines episode of the oc--enough said)
8. it feels very low-maintenance. i can listen to it any time of day. when im in any kind of mood. because i am a pretty mellow person, its good to have some chill music.
9. there's not really a face to the music. . in a way... its truly about the music. this is the reason that most people argue against it (anyone can do it--its just shit made on the computer--by some nerd...). PRECISELY. i mean, some of these dudes might get write ups in urb, but i dont ever remember much about them and NEVER remember what the hell they look like. and frankly, i like it that way.
10. hipsters havent invaded too hardcore into this genre. sure some of them have found her space holiday.. the album leaf (fuckin' OC!) but they don't know about deceptikon or machine drum or daedelus. so =P

currently listening: tiki obmar- seasons (merck records :)

this is crimminy!

im sick again goddamnit! today is the worst of worst. granted, i didnt get a ton of sleep any of the last few days and im completely exhausted in general. i am going to the doctor next week. cuz this is ridiculous. so right now im drinking/eating one of those campbell soup at hand soups... cream of broccoli. mmmm. its pretty good, but my tongue keeps getting burned so im taking a break from the soup to post on my nerd-blog.
***********
last nite the boy met the parents. haha. and my mom called him damon. (sorry nate). my dad took her out to dinner for her birthday so she had a few. not that she needs an excuse. any way. that was that. we had to "babysit" the dog, who was completely knocked out from her painkillers (she had to have surgery on her leg), so i mean, she didnt exactly need any watching over since all she did was sleep.
***********
today at work we did our huge-big-game-presentation that we play with 3rd thru 6th grades, to teach them about tobacco and stuff. we had three third grade classes. they are totally my favorite. third graders are the most adorable things on the planet. i fell in love w/ this little boy named maddox who had huge glasses and was soooooooooooooo freaking adorable i almost kidnapped him. some of those kids had some crazy names. biblical names must have been out the years they were born. any way. third graders are the shit.
***********
valentines day is monday. im not big on this one either. i guess in general im kinda just a mellow person, so i like things low-key. i believe in doing nice things for people randomly.. and having a holiday that says you have to puts too much pressure on people. spontaneity over planning. i was thinking about going to see amelie at the midnight movie this weekend, but not sure if thats happening. i doubt id be able to stay awake.
***********
i need to go home and sleep really really badly. now i have to go off to mt. pleasant and host a valentines rally thing. then work on big, boring, stressful state report.

my tummy aches.

i think its a nervous kinda aches. i dont know why, but i cannot get rid of it.

and i think im sick again. my throat hurts to the point where it makes my ears, head, eyes and body ache. any remedies? more sleep. im completely exhausted. san jose to san francisco is wearing me down.

any way. lets talk about SANTA FUCKING BARBARA. oh god. that place. why do people wanna live there? sure they have some pretty beaches, the weather is great... but other than that, it blows. theirs a bunch of twinkie-bottled blondes, lame college students who have tons of money and dont work, and a bunch of rich old fucking republicans. no offense to anyone i know and like that wears these, but what's the deal w/ these RAINBOW FLIP FLOPS. i mean.. apparently *everyone* wears them. they cost in the 50/60 dollar range. i mean, hello people. they are flip flops! do you realize they dont even cover your entire foot. my friend said they are like the doc's of flip flops, but docs are shoes w/ a thick sole... these flip flops are thin and dont cover your feet!!!!!!! i dont know why, but this bothers me. maybe its because i heard about them too much. (no offense to laura or my sister or ben.... :) i still love you.)

so here's the breakdown of my trip. me and berenice drove down on friday nite and got there around 10 o'clock. we had a good drive, and it was nice to catch up and show forgiveness to someone who although hurt me pretty badly, in the end what does it matter? this is why forgiveness is a huge part of who i am, despite sometimes being naive about things and getting hurt--it can also be very rewarding. but any way--berence has been one of my long-time friends, who i have had a ton of fun memories with, lived with at one point--plus we've shared a lot of vulnerable times together. times where we were both going through a lot of bad shit and there's something that says that you dont cut a person out of your live forever who you've shared that with.

any way. so we get down to blonde-central and go over to laura's house. it was time to drink some beer and get ready to go out downtown. we get downtown and go into our first bar, but there's this shitty lesbian-girl-wanna be riot grrl stuff.. but they sucked. so we had a drink and left. then we get over to this more SB-booty bar (more downplayed... they can't booty it up like san jo! :) and we dance and drink and be merry. haha. and some black dudes were hitting on us and they totally loved berenice but she wouldnt dance with them. it turns out they were from san jose and went to piedmont. haha. then we leave the club, go back to the car and laura (who's sober), drives us home. then we get home and go to sleep. I WISH that's what happened!!!!!!!!!!

so laura turns down this one street downtown and BAM! sobriety check point. she freaks out and turns into this parking lot. cops come runnin' over RIGHT AWAY. they make us get outta the car. they start giving laura the drunk tests and they make me and berenice go stand on the street corner (we were pretty wasted at this point). so basically what happens is that laura gets her car towed, and they give her a ticket... although no arrests, which is kinda good. i had to call ben (sister's husband) to come and pick us up. so while we are waiting for laura... berenice feels a little rebelious and says "im going to throw my gum at this fucking cop car." and throws it. she hits the windshield and right as she threw it, another cop car drove by and saw it. DAMN. it turns around and berenice ends up getting a ticket for littering. and she had to scrape the gum off the car. ahaha. SO PETTY. oh well. it was pretty fucking funny. so then.. we finally go home, me and berenice get high and pass out. END OF NIGHT ONE.

day two... i gotta take laura to work (who's carless) by 9 am. SUCKS. so i drag myself outta bed, take her to work, and me and B stay at the house and watch tv and eat cookies. mmmmm. it held us over til laura came home and made us some bomb steak tacos. yummy! later we go and walk around downtown and look at all the rainbow flip flops. we get back and get ready to go out again. laura wants to hit up this club in ventura.. and i have to drive us squished in the front of my truck 40 miles to ventura. arrrg. ok. so we get there.. and its a gay club. not just a gay club, but a really fucking gay club. rainbows everywhere. video screens w/ some naked dudes. me and berenice tell laura she never said it was a gay club, but whatever. we dont care.

this is where i realized how much fun it really is to be sober in an environment where everyone is wasted. i totally loved it. (this is not sarcasm, i swear.) so first.. we are dancing downstairs and i go to sit down. then this chick moves her stool right up next to me and the guy she was with starts giving us some ugly version of a lap dance. then the chick starts rubbing my leg and im like, what the hell is going on? i have my legs crossed and the guy starts telling me to spread my legs, i told him no way. and he basically forced my legs open and started to do another ugly dance thing. finally berenice and laura see whats going on and come and save me. i think they were probably coked out or something. the dude then tells me, "oh i was just kidding." why do people always say that after they say something or do something that was forced. oh sorry i molested you, i was just kidding you know. i mean, i thought it was all pretty funny, especially cuz they were wasted and thought it was hilarious or sexy but it was really just stupid and gross--okay and kinda funny.

then later on, i escaped outside and was talking to nate when some dude came and sat next to me and tried to join in on my conversation. he looked sad so after i got off the phone i talked to him. his name was andrew and he was upset cuz his ex-boyfriend who he drove 2 hours to see, won't hook up with him. (i love gay males... always be hookin' up with their so-called ex's.) any way, he was feeling all hurt and despite all the men grabbing on him, he only wanted his little blonde surfer/preppie lookin' guy. haha. so he hung out with us for a bit. he told me all about his problems. is there something about me that says "counselor" on my forehead? cuz this happens A LOT!

laura kept trying to get me drunk all night long, apparently forgetting the mess we got in the previous nite. she was completely wasted and having a good time. later some guy started ranting to me while i was waiting in line for the bathroom about how a straight friend of his said he was wearing a rainbow shirt (it was a white long-sleeved with four colored stripes on the upper arm). he was going on and on about how it wasnt a rainbow and how straight people are so stupid and this and that. he asked me if it looked like a rainbow, i said, "no, it has black in it, and its only four colors." and he looked satisfied and continued to rant about how straight people are retarded. so i said, "im straight". and he said, "oh. well at least you are an educated straight person." i found this hilarious. then some other chick put her arm around me and asked if this guy was bothering me, but i was totally enjoying the bathroom-line-waiting entertainment, and it was totally funny and i told her. so me and the dude introduced ourselves and she kept trying to get rid of him so he tried to introduce himself to her and held out his hand and she REFUSED to shake it and just said.. "no. no. no. i dont bother meeting people. im not interested." he looked totally dejected and that chick was a fucking bitch-whore.

so basically the rest of the nite was more of the same. dancing. laura drinking. berenice drinking. dancing. and weird run-ins with people. it was fun. i drove us home and laura (again), threw up outside my moving truck. i think a speck hit me. it was nasty. i need to wash my truck.

day three... lazy again. ate more cookies. the chocolate chip baked cookies from albertsons are AMAZING!!!!!!!! we all met up at rustys pizza for my traditional lunch with my sister and ben. the pizza is usually my hangover lunch, but since i was designated dave, it was laura's turn to be all barfy. we go back to the house and watch more tv. then we go over to this super bowl party that one of laura's co-workers was having. they had like four tv's on in the house, and two of them were right next to eachother. we dont give a shit about the game (or the lame FCC-pussywhipped commercials), so we get some beer and i ate some of the most amazing steak ever. man. i was pigging out. plus its not like any of the twinkie-blondes were eating. so we chill for awhile, b and laura get high, then we get outta there and pack and go home.

i got home around 2 am. and thats my trip. best stories ever. :P i maintain that santa barbara is incredibly lame.. though i do like having an escape and it was nice to get away for the weekend. sorry if this post is too long, but its not like im forcing you to read it.

last niiight... she said....

so mission ale house has dollar beers (mgd's and hipster hi-life) and vodka well drinks on thursday nights. sounds great right? well, let me tell you, get there early cuz 'round 11 the place packs up with fucking asshole san jose state frat beefcakes. and when i say fucking assholes, i mean, beer spilling on you, gum spitting ASSHOLES. i cannot believe some guy actually spit his gum on avi. what are we... five? and avi didnt even do anything to provoke it in the first place. i feel sorry for any girl that ends up with that.

at least one good thing happened... (well besides talking shit w/ good friends--joce [whats wrong w/ lemon cheetos!?], rich, avi, ryan, eid, michael, michelle [dont forget about my scarf]), we got a good buzz at least. well...once we actually forked over four bucks for a decent beer. sorry rich, but unless im at a bbq, mgd's just dont do it for me. ohhh i just remembered another great thing from the time spent at mission ale... which involved a rather stupidly interesting conversation two girls were having in the bathroom. girl #1 says to her friend, "oh my god. this guy used the worst line on me tonite. he said, what do you say me and you get out of here and make a mocha." girl #2: "ahah. wow. what does that even mean?" girl #1: "you know. like the ones they make at starbucks." (I FUCKING KID YOU NOT, this was actually taking place)--back to story. me: (as im washing my hands): "i think he wanted to add some chocolate to the mix." girls1&2: "haha. yeah well that wont be happening." then they laugh and continue talking about mocha's or whatever, so i tell joce im going back outside, girl #2 says: "go make yourself a mocha girl." MAN!!!!!!! that story was the best ever. i rule.

any way... back to the rest of the evening...

so me and avi feeling fairly annoyed at spending perfectly good drunken time at said asshole-filled establishment, decided to go to the blank so avi could bang is head against more windows. this was a much better way to end the nite... dancing to actually a decent dj set for 80s nite. the music has been so shitty the last dozen times ive been there. and i got to see all my dance nite folks!! dennis.berenice.arick. and meet more gay boys that nite to dance w/. AND dennis IS giving me my skittle photo for my christmas gift!! WOOOOO!!! im so excited about that. (he took this really awesome photo series that involved skittles and i just love them! so ive been bugging him to give me one forever. end of story.)

basically thats all that happened. nothing dramatic happened. which was nice.. just a rad evening out. though... my little lushie self of course couldnt pull myself away from a fun nite of dancing and drinking to actually go home, pack, and get a decent nights sleep--like i always say im gonna do. oh well. i didnt drink too much so i feel pretty good, though i know the sleepyness will hit probably around 3-ish.

off to santa barbara this weekend to visit laura and my pregnant moody sister (WHO I LOVE!). i wanna see her big ol' belly. im sure i'll be back with more amazing stories from the trip. i guess the santa barbara film festival is still going on, so maybe i'll get to stalk some stars. too bad i missed scorsese givin' leo dicraprio his "LIFETIME ACHEIVEMENT AWARD' last weekend. what constitutes a lifetime? any way. dont worry, my stories will be just as good as the one about girls and the mocha. i promise you.

now playing: the impossible shapes- horus

p.s.

salami and cheese sandwiches make me really, really happy.

yummy................!!!

sad again.

sometimes i feel like no matter what, it will never be enough. sometimes i feel like im the kind of person whos more appreciated and thought of when im not around. is that fair? i dont think it is. isnt it my turn to be appreciated and loved in the present? dont i deserve that. i often am told that two of my best and strongest qualities are my loyalty and my ability to forgive. i know these are two things very important to me, but i think they are two things that cause hurt in me as well. why am i so emotional? why do i look at things that i know will upset me? why am i writing on this stupid thing when i should be working.

okay. i feel better once i get all that out. back to work. :)

false advertising.

so. gilmore girls wasnt quite the scary episode i was nervous about. pretty much everything they showed happening in the preview was NOT in this episode. bastards. all that apparently happens next week. i think it was actually a really good episode this week. i say the episode goes to richard for sure. props to rear ending your wife. mhmmm. i meant it to sound dirty.

arrested development might be my favorite comedy on tv. in fact, i think it might be the only comedy show i actually watch...? or does the surreal life count? either way, amazing show.

i saw million dollar baby. really really great movie. i would place it at number 3 of my favorite films of the year. depressing as shit... but really good. i say eastwood wins for best director and swank will probably win for best actress.

feeling kinda better. zzzzzzzzzz time tho.

now watching: replayed arrested development. :)

the bad.

i am feeling overwhelmed. hopeless. helpless. hurt. i guess you could say im feeling a little down. i think too much. im aware of that. sometimes people can make you do that though. its like that kinda feeling... that "what kind of beer?" kinda moment. (sorry ive seen almost famous way too many times. forgive me.)... but its that kinda sad feeling. one that feels somehow inevitable or something. like theres nothing you can do. am i making sense? probably not. but what good is a blog if not to be either brutally blunt or seemingly cryptic? any way. i think im just being emotionally dramatic. overly girly. overly sensitive. over-thinking. over-analyzing.